Pain, Sadness and Redemption
by xXASupernaturalHungerForTrekXx
Summary: I will not die a martyr... I will die as Mags." Mags - volunteer for Annie Cresta, loving friend to Finnick Odair and devout protector of Katniss Everdeen. These are her last thoughts.


**So I had MAJOR writer's block and I wrote this to cure it. :) Surprisingly, it worked.**

**Read and Review please!**

**Italics are thoughts (ie. flashbacks)**

**Disclaimer: Suzanne Collins owns all the characters, I own only the creativity and words of this untold story.**

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"I'm sorry, Mags." I hear Finnick's voice from above. I roll over onto my stomach and look up at him. His green eyes dance with emotion in the moonlight. "I can't do it." He finishes. At first, I don't understand. What can't he do? What is he talking about? But as the seconds tick by on the clock of our lives, the pieces slowly fit together. My eyes trail to Peeta's body hanging over Finnick's shoulder as the last piece clicks into place.

And I know what I must do.

With whatever strength I have left, I haul myself to my feet, drag myself over to Finnick – who has looked away, his eyes staring at the ground in what looks like shame – and press my lips to his. His eyes flicker to mine and I smile.

I can't say much, but I'm sure he understood.

Before I can change my mind, I tow my heavy body over to the wall of fog descending on us, forcing my dysfunctional limbs to carry me the short distance.

I wish I wasn't dying under the hands of the Capitol. I hate that I'm letting them kill me; that they have the control. My one wish in this world was to live how I wanted and to die under my will. Even when I was in the Games, I made my way out; I denied them, not letting them take my life away. But I guess that isn't going to happen anymore.

As I pass over the threshold to the fog, the silvery mist moves towards me, like a moth to a flame. The pain is instantaneous, like a thousand knifes piercing my skin.

I have seconds to live, probably less.

I remember hearing people tell me 'their life passed before their eyes' and never once did I think twice of it. But now, in the heat of the moment, I see what they mean.

_ "You're Mags, right?" The round man asks. I nod, unable to form the words I want to say. "And, Mags, do you understand the situation?" Again, I nod. "And do you swear to it? Swear to do anything – including giving up your own life – to save hers?"_

_ I feel Finnick's eyes on me._

_ I nod. _

_ "That includes the boy, Peeta." He continues. "Katniss won't work if he's gone. She believes that I'm saving him; that this is all about him." He trails off, his eyes falling to the floor. I know that look; that look of guilt and overwhelming responsibility. I've felt it. I _feel_ it. He shakes his head and looks back up. "Do you swear to keep them both alive?"_

_ This time, the truth of the matter hits me; his words and their hidden meaning finally sink it._

_ I could die._

_ I might die._

_ I will die._

_ No matter what, I need to keep these two alive._

_ My eyes flicker to Finnick beside me. But what of him? I promised Annie I would keep him alive. Annie… I look away. I promised Finnick I'd keep her home. And I promised my family, that I'd come home safe…_

_ So many promises that need to be broken._

_ "Mags?" The man calls my name. "Do you swear?"_

_ I look into his eyes, my expression determined. "Yes." I say._

_ He nods solemnly. "Thank you." He extends his hand. "I'm Haymitch Abernathy."_

On that day, I sealed the deal. Sold my soul. Threw away my life like it was a candy wrapper… All to save this girl? I look up at her. What makes her so special? Why do I have to save her?

_ "Finnick Odair!"_

_ The words hang in the air as Finnick disentangles himself from the crowd and makes his way to the stage. I hear Annie whispering beside me._

_ "Where he going?" She asks. "Why Finnick leaving?"_

_ I shake my head, but she continues to speak to herself, watching the young, bronze-haired boy walk farther away from her. Now, I remember his words._

_ 'Save her.' He had told me. 'Please. I can't watch her do that again.'_

_ Why had I agreed so easily? Why did I have to? Why did I have to risk _my_ life? Finnick could protect! Or someone else! Why me?_

_ …_

_ Because I love them._

Because I love them.

Saving this girl will save them all. When she lives, so does hope. That's why I need to save her – to save my family.

_ 'Annie Cresta!' _

_ Finnick's eyes immediately find mine, sending me a silent prayer. I stare at him, my gaze unflinching. He knows I promised him. He knows I will follow through with my word. Silently, he nods and turns his gaze back to Annie, who has begun to move forward._

_ "Annie!" I call, my words muffled. She turns to look at me. I reach for her hand and she takes hold of it. _

_ "Together?" She asks, taking a half step forward. _

_ I shake my head and push her back. _Not this time Annie._ I think. _This time… I'm doing this alone._ She cocks her head to the side, as the crowd engulfs her. _

_ "Mags?" She calls out. "Why you leaving?" I turn my back to her and walk to the stage. "Mags!" She calls again, her voice more desperate this time. "Don't leave Annie!" I reach the foot of the stairs, pausing to calm myself. I will not be afraid. "Mags!" Annie screams my name over and over again as I pull myself up the stairs. At the top, Finnick stands with his head bowed and his shoulders slumped. "Finnick!" Annie's words have turn pleading. "Don't leave! Stop her! Please! Come back!" I reach Finnick's side and place a hand on his shoulder; he looks into my eyes with the most pained expression._

_ "Mags Presian?" The announcer calls my name and I look to him. "Do you volunteer as tribute?"_

_ I open my mouth to answer, but Finnick interrupts me._

_ "What do _you_ think?" He spits. "She's here isn't she?" She man steps back, glaring at him and walks over to the microphone._

_ Finnick turns to me. "And I am eternally grateful for that."_

_ I smile at him and slide my hand into his._

Me as well, my son. _I think._

I managed to save one person in my lifetime.

But, that year I fought… I couldn't save all those people… I couldn't keep them alive… Instead, I killed them, fighting to keep _myself_ alive.

But now, I can finally make up for it.

_ "Mom," my daughter pleas. "You can't leave! You can't! We almost lost you all those years ago! And now you walk right back in!" Tears stain her cheeks as she grips my hand. "Why Mom? Why would you do that?"_

_ In answer, I smile at her._

_ She shakes her head. "Why couldn't someone else gone? Why did it have to be you?"_

_ The words form in my mind easily, but I struggle to make them coherent. "Fin…nick…" I manage. She shakes her head again, so I hurry to say the rest. "Trusths… me…" _

_ My husband comes in beside me. "He trusts you?" He throws his hands up. "That's why? That's your rationale? _His _rationale?" He runs a hand through his receding hair. "That's no reason. Why did he do this to us? To you?"_

_ I wave my hands frantically. "Stop." I command. The room falls silent as they watch me. "Finnick… trusths me… to save Annnnie… Llllike you… would trusth him… to save… me…" I draw the words out with surprising ease, sounds forming around my lips._

_ My daughter's eyes fill, once again, with tears. I look at her and press my hand over the center of my chest, moving it slowly in a circle – using the little sign language I know to speak. _Please. _I say._

_ She covers her mouth with her hand, holding back a sob, and lifts her free hand, holding up her pinky, index finger and thumb. _

I love you.

_ For the first time that day, I allow myself to break down. I allow myself to let go off all that responsibility I feel, even if it's for but a few seconds, and give into the sadness I feel. The tears run freely down my face, the warm, salty liquid hardly even holding for a second before falling to my lap._

_ My husband and daughter's arms surround me._

_ "Mom?" My daughter whispers. "Can you promise _me _something now?" I nod silently and wait as she gasps for breath. "Come home safe, okay?"_

_ I look up at her and see her deep blue eyes staring at me. Beside her, my husband watches me, his own face stained with tears. _

_ "Please Mom, " She says. "Promise me that."_

_ I close my eyes, letting more tears fall. "I promise…" I whisper._

Katniss… She really is a good person. Kind, caring, brave… She deserves to live. She may not be perfect… But she's exactly what we need. And I'm glad I'm dying for her.

_ "Mags?" I hear Finnick's voice from beside me. "Are you afraid?" He asks._

_ I turn to look at him and am surprised to see him crying. Haymitch has left to find the rest of the tributes, hoping that they too will agree to his outrageous proposition._

_ I slide my hand into his, shaking my head. "It… okay." I say._

_ He nods. "I know. But… I just, I don't want it to end like this… I want to make it home… I want to see Annie again… And my parents." He turns to me. "I'm afraid."_

_ I stroke his hair. "Fin…nick…" I begin. He looks up at me and wipes his tears from his eyes, waiting for my response. "You… will go… back…" _

_ His brow furrows. "How do you know?" He asks._

_ I shrug. "Just… do." _

_ He laughs slightly, but it soon turns into a sob. He cowers inward, wrapping his arms around himself. I reach for him, pulling him into my arms. "Thank you, Mags." He says through his tears. "I really do love you, you know."_

_ I smile at this. "I do."_

I will miss them all…

Finnick, Annie, my husband, my daughter… Even Katniss and Peeta. I will miss them all.

I wish they didn't have to see me die like this… Die under the hands of the Gamemakers.

As my lungs squeeze tight, stopping my breathing, a revelation dawns…

Maybe… my death isn't under the Capitol's to control… Maybe it really is my choice.

_I chose_ to come here. I volunteered to save Annie.

_I chose_ to walk into this fog.

_I chose_ to sacrifice myself to save that boy – ultimately saving my people.

I glance back at them once more, taking in his blonder hair, her dark braid and frightened eyes, and Finnick's pained expression… _It will be okay. _I think. _You're going to save us all. _

I will not die a martyr.

I will die as Mags Presian. Loyal and devoted wife, mother, friend and savior.

_ I love you all… _

It all happened so fast; the memories, the fog, the erupt stop of my heart… It all passed with the blink of an eye…

And just as a tear slides down my cheek, the fog penetrates my brain and I die in pain, sadness and redemption.

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